... And a Quick Regime Change Before They Leave

By Andy Borowitz
Andy Borowitz is author of "The Borowitz Report: The Big Book of Shockers" (Simon & Schuster, 2004).

Los Angeles Times

February 11, 2005

Under extreme pressure to detail an exit strategy for Iraq, President Bush said at a White House briefing today that he would not designate an exact timetable for a withdrawal of U.S. troops but added: "The fastest way to bring the troops home would be through Iran."

After reporters gasped, the president explained that bringing the troops home through Iran would be "the most direct route" and then produced driving directions from MapQuest to back up his claim.

But less than an hour after his remarks, Iranian President Mohammad Khatami blasted Bush's proposal, arguing that bringing U.S. troops home through Iran was far from the most direct route and was, in fact, going totally in the wrong direction.

Using a map of the world and a Magic Marker, Khatami showed that by traveling east rather than west, U.S. troops would have to circumnavigate the globe to reach their final destination.

In response, Bush acknowledged it would be a long journey but added, "If necessary, we'll stop in North Korea."

On a related subject, the president said the vote-counting in Iraq's historic elections last month was not complete but that it appeared the winner would be actor Jamie Foxx, for his performance in "Ray." "He's won everything else so far," the president said.

Elsewhere in the news, McDonald's said it would follow up its highly successful promotion involving a French fry that looks like Abraham Lincoln by creating a super-size vanilla shake that looks like Vice President Dick Cheney.